need to ramble to those that understand!

Well hello all...I guess it is time to share a blog again…As much as I was praying that I would never have to blog about this particular situation again…but in the real world we all knew (including myself) that my psoriasis would come back…I was 100% clear for 11 months…wow…11 months!!! Longer than I have even been clear since I was diagnosed…11 months of refusing to wear long sleeves (even when it snowed)…11 months of not having to “hide” or wear my “public clothes”…11 months with little to no pain in my joints…11 months of feeling somewhat normal and not depressed…11 months of not asking why everyday I woke up and had to “de-psoriasis” my bed…11 months of not hurting when my babies gave me a hug or bumped into me or held my hand…that must have been the best 11 months of my life…I had my first birthday in 14 years without covering up and hurting…I walked down the isle to marry Fred in a spaghetti strapped dress, not worrying about my skin…

At the 11 month mark I started seeing psoriasis on my arms and in the past month it has gone from a slight few spots to now covering my arms…spots on my back…shoulders…head…neck…face…chest…and tonight I noticed it starting on my legs…I am filled with fear…pain…and starting the depression cycle…I now have to wear my “public clothes” and as it starts into hot weather here this makes me mad…I know I shouldn’t be that way but I am…there is no way to stop it…it is just what this disease does…I think psoriasis is a bit of an old bi-polar woman…lol…it has its ups and downs…as soon as you get used to one…something else happens and a whole new way of dealing comes about…it cant make up its mind about treatments either…one treatment will work then this old bi-polar disease says nope…not gonna let you be happy with that…and it throws you into a whole new depression or excitement…ugh…just makes me so mad…..((((pausing to scratch all my itches here and reposition myself due to joint pain)))) ah ok much better……

SO as I write this blog I can look down and see psoriasis on my keyboard….ughhhhh….I’m trying to get used to all the things I had almost forgotten about in the 11 months I have been clear…All the soaks and putting on meds and gels and lotions to keep the skin were I can move…the looking down at my green carpet and seeing nothing but my flakes….having to shake the covers out more times a day than I can count…seeing the amount of dust in my house rise from all the skin that falls off everywhere….the extra vacuuming that has to be done….all the while your skin hurts so bad to do all the extra stuff just to cover up your skin everywhere…it is just so nerve racking…I cant believe I was so silly to think it wouldn’t come back as long as I had my Remicade (my miracle drug) going on a normal dose and time…I have to give stress a huge credit lately though…As much as I try not to let things get to me it seems I just need a break…I had trouble with getting my Remicade the time before last…then Fred and I had to come to terms with the fact that I cant have a baby…we have been trying since June of last year…and were told by the doctor that I just wasn’t able anymore…so that was a major let down in my life…then after that I have become very down about myself...this may seem hard to understand but until I started getting down about things I hadn’t honestly noticed my huge weight change…I have gained 90 pounds since I got out of the hospital last June…90 pounds is major!!!! Omg…so you see the list keeps going and going and then here I am frantic about my psoriasis coming back…I can almost not wrap my mind around it…I blog to release stress…thus the blog tonight…I just needed to vent to people that actually understand the way I feel about this disease and its hold on me and my life…

So…what do I plan to do about this…I don’t know…lol…I am trying to learn so new ways to deal with stress…I’m going on a diet to see if the way I'm eating now is causing my body to stress out…I'm getting more sleep…I'm taking one day at a time…and I'm blogging to the people that know what I'm going through because they go through it themselves everyday…and if I see someone “hiding” or in “public clothes” I make a point to let them know I know how it feels and I care…

And as always…sorry for the blog ramble type of blog…I just had to get things off my chest and this is how I do it….

<3 Cindy